Incarcerate me, please

To:
The Wardens of Jale, The Hard Yard, and Windy City Lockdown

From:
Yours truly

Re:
Doin' Time

Dear Sir or Madam:

I write with the utmost sincerity to express my desire to find a place among your latest shipment of inmates. I seek the flogging, torture, and purging that your esteemed houses of suffering are known to offer. I long to lose years of my life, to expend the productive days of my youth, in your dark halls and musty cells. The prospects of gainful employment and active participation in "normal" society pale in comparison to the promise of fruitless toil, abuse, and self-doubt afforded by your illustrious chain gangs. I look forward to meeting your guards, notorious for their inflated egos, and to receive the discipline they offer, to submit to their ways and solve my "failure to commun'cate". Solitary confinement? I shall relish it. Watery porridge, occasionaly trembling with maggots? Please sir, may I have some more? The fear of dishonorable deeds done to me by fellow inmates while showering? This too, I shall weather.

I wait with anxious anticipation for my conscription, my cell block number, and my striped or orange jumpsuit, whichever style you prefer.

Thank you for your consideration.