One of the reasons I decided not to become a pastor was that I didn't want to inflict myself on others. Let me explain.
Within all the discussion of the requisite training and skills necessary for the ministry, it seems to me that one of the central traits often not given adequate attention is "people skills". A close second, and somewhat related, is emotional health.
At my seminary, there was one--maybe two--required course(s) dealing with counseling, and very little of the course material was focused on oneself. In other words, it was still about skills, about how to deal with "them," rather than fostering self-awareness about one's own issues. Most courses focused on content- Greek, exegesis, theology, church administration--all great and important things, but in my mind less important than what I want to address here.
Over the years I've encountered a few too many pastors who I don't think should be pastors. The immediate reason pertained to the more "surface" issue noted above, people skills. These pastors were shy, awkward, and apparently uncomfortable making conversation or interacting with people. This made me (and others with whom I conferred) uncomfortable--the awkwardness usually transfers. While perhaps well-intentioned, these pastors communicated a lack of concern for those with whom they interacted. They exuded an aura that conveyed "I'd rather be in my study" or "I'd rather be with those few people I know well" or even "I'd rather be watching the game".
I'm not being shallow here. I really think there are personality types and people with certain ways they interact socially who should not go into a line of work where their top priority is relationships. Yes, I know today we've got all our trendy divisions of labor: executive pastor, teaching pastor, administrative pastor, etc, etc. Granted, someone might operate successfully in a less people-oriented type of pastoral role (in my mind an oxymoron). But, in general, most pastoral positions involve interacting with, guiding and caring for a group of people who--if you are doing things right--will begin to work through their own baggage, go through painful growing experiences, and be in need of
pastoring.
Because of this, pastors must be, to put it simply, good with people. They need to be able to be hospitable, to "shoot the breeze," to have deep conversation, to counsel, to hang out, to reconcile, apologize and forgive. This is the "people skills" aspect. Though I do not wish to re-assert the stereotype that studious, introverted people cannot be any of the aforementioned things, I've encountered a few too many pastors who are the latter without the former. (I've got a separate rant, by the way, for the buddy-buddy pastor who can chat your ear off and "kick it" with you but who's unreflective, a non-learner, and unable to teach. So, I'm not knocking the studious pastors.) I've met the pastors who seem shyer than I am, who don't know what to say, who seem aloof and detached. This is unacceptable.
The second aspect goes deeper, so it's less readily apparent. Pastors need to be working on their emotional maturity or emotional quotient. They need to be people who have spent time digging in the dirt of their past, of their baggage, of their own issues. How else do you expect to lead people through their own growth along such paths?
When I run my seminary some day, counseling (i.e. therapy for every student!) will be a required part of the program for ministry preparation. Individual counseling, small group discipleship and spiritual formation, caring for others, mentoring and being mentored--the works. In my view, facilitating the growing and maturing in grace is the top priority for institutions preparing spiritual leaders. Of course scriptural knowledge is essential and practical ministry skills are key, but forging a soul (or creating a space where God can forge it) should be first. There are too many people out there in ministry with their crap just leaking out, spewing out everywhere and infecting their relationships and the churches they influence. Sometimes only its effects are palpable while the source remains undetected.
Of course it's not about perfection, or having all your crap together. But it is about having made significant headway, having done some major house-cleaning, setting things in order. It's about having been on a path to wholeness for some time, having a firm foundation.
If you're a pastor or headed that way, and you haven't spent some time in counseling exploring your damage and seeking healing, I hope you make that choice. "But God hasn't
called me to counseling yet. I've been called to ministry. I'm passionate and ready to serve." Well, consider this your call- God has reached through cyberspace and smacked your ass upside the head. Get your ass into counseling. Even if you're one of that 5% who truly have no deep-seated psychological issues, a little self-awareness never hurt anybody.
So, back to me. Though I like to think I've got fairly decent people skills, I do think I'm one of those people who partially fulfills the studious, introvert, shy and not-so-good-with-people mold. I've worked at it, done a lot to come out of my shell. But it's not good enough for what I believe the pastoral role requires. I'm not going to be one of those jackasses who makes others feel excluded or unwelcome because I'm hesitant to talk to them or can't find the words. Having encountered wonderfully gifted pastors who effortlessly mingle and talk and embrace, I'm confident I can leave the task to better men and women.
And while I've spent my share of time sorting through my baggage and own crap, there's more there. At this point it's too much to pour out on others. If the people skills, the surface attribute, were in place, I might be able to massage things to keep my crap under wraps effectively enough to minister well. But I am not in a place yet to, in the immortal words of Apone, "
Secure that shit, Hudson!" And I'd have to say a few too many pastors I've encountered are not in that place either. Whether as drill sergeants barking orders and terrorizing their colleagues, or as passive-aggressive people-pleasers who let their insecurities rot the system and destroy morale, there are far too many idiots with serious emotional problems who could benefit from therapy before being in positions where their emotional/relational health is to be
the central asset they bring to the job.
Now, I know things are more complicated than this, and, if I'd really felt an overwhelming call to the pastorate I'd probably be writing now about how you have to tough it out in the trenches of ministry and be healed in the process. There is something to that. A certain amount of healing and maturity will only come through the tensions of conflict resolution, negotiation, and partnering with others. A lot of the people skills pastors need will be acquired as they pastor. Since I felt a call in another direction it may be too easy for me to bash those heading for the pastorate who I deem unworthy. But I still firmly believe a substantial foundation of people skills and emotional health must be in place before one commences such a role. At the risk of criticism, I'll stand by my rant for the time being, happy to nuance it should that become necessary.
